I’m Sick, Racist, and Scared to Die

In this raw and honest conversation, Freddie confronts his fear of mortality, his racism, and his need to show up better in this world. 

Episode Highlights

0:58 - What's most important about our beliefs on COVID

3:10 - Facing your own mortality

4:31 - My blindspot

9:19 - The importance of leadership

11:58 - I have to do better

14:42 - My commitment moving forward

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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Freddie Kimmel (00:02.274)
Welcome to the Beautifully Broken Podcast brought to you by AmpCoil. I'm your host, Freddie Kimmel, and on this show, we discuss the common threads survivors share after walking through the fire, the practitioners making a difference, and the treatment modalities that deliver healing back into the hands of the people who need it most. Witness the inspiration we gain by navigating the human experience with grace, humility, and a healthy dose of mistakes. Because part of being human is being beautifully broken.

Freddie Kimmel (00:34.735)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the beautifully broken podcast. We are into year number two of this show that I started on a dream. had no idea that I would be going this long, but here I am. And here we are, which is more important because if you're hearing this message, you are divinely guided to this show.

I really weighed what I wanted to put out on the airwaves this week because it's such an important time in humanity. I want to just talk about a couple of things that have been coming up for me with the Corona epidemic. know, whatever you believe to be about this scenario, virus, non-virus, very harmful to all of humanity or maybe just a normal flu strain, that's not important.

What's important is what comes up for you. What's behind the fear, the rage, the misunderstanding? And for me, one of the things that's come forward through this whole epidemic is an incredible fear around my own mortality and death specifically. To such a degree where there are nights that I can't get to sleep and I'll lay in bed stricken with panic.

You see, I'm a person who doesn't want to stop moving ever. And maybe that's in my DNA. Maybe that's reinforced because I went through a time of being very, very sick with metastatic cancer and Lyme and mold and you mush them all together. And I look at those days as time that was taken away from me. And I never, I never want to be in that spot again. And I'm so grateful for when I can get up

get out of bed and move through my day, it's pretty much green light go and I don't stop till I lay back down to go to sleep again. Because I've realized the value and the virtue and the beauty and the gift to be up and be mobile and be contributing to society. So now that life is slowed down and I'm forced, you know, I have this forced pause where I have to take stock and I have to

Freddie Kimmel (02:58.871)
sit in the same spot for eight hours. I can't go to a coffee shop or the gym. I can't get away. I'm just there with me and my thoughts. And what comes up for me is this fear of death. And someone said the other day, said, well, you've been faced with this so much, can't believe you haven't dealt with this. You know, a lot of the times where I was moving through chronic illness, I didn't have a choice.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was on an emergency room table the very next morning for surgery. My treatment protocol was laid out for me. There were no options. There were options, but believe me, it was so immediate that I had no choice. I put one foot in front of the other and I just moved. went with it. I never questioned.

And maybe it was naive, but there was an inherent belief that I would be okay. I was scared. I was sad and had regret and anger that my life had to stop. I was annoyed that I was sick at 26 and now 42. And the world has paused that this is coming up for me again and again and again. And I have no choice but to deal with it.

So that's one thing. Within this shutdown, we have experienced another instance where a beautiful African American was killed from police brutality. And what does that mean for you?

Throughout my life, I've seen this happen countless times in the news. And I always look at it and I think, my God, can you imagine that's so terrible? Can you imagine? And that's about a day and a half. And then I go back to my life. But this time I really believe, I really believe, I feel in my bones, it's different. What came up for me in the last two days was intense societal grief.

Freddie Kimmel (05:21.105)
I'm embarrassed. I mean, I feel shame for the fact that it's this time at 42 years old that somehow I'm pushed into action. It's unacceptable.

to look in the mirror and say to yourself, you are part of the problem if you're not an active participant in the solution. Now listen, I don't have any answers here. I'm totally spitballing this episode. But for me, what came up was you have a responsibility.

You have a responsibility to show up for your brothers and your sisters. because, and I'll be honest with you, I have dedicated my life to helping people find joy through song, through entertainment, to singing for seniors, to upgrading people's health and wellness, religiously, pretty much all day, every day. So in my eyes, I was like, no, Freddie Kimmel, you are doing good. You're doing your part.

You're not part of the problem. And just sitting back and witnessing and watching and learning what white privilege means. I've seen this conversation come up. I saw it come up a year ago and two years before that in the year before that.

It was a blind spot that I have to address as a human being. I love humanity. I love my brothers and sisters. I do, everybody. I truly enjoy the human experience. Directly tied with the fear of death? I don't want it to be over.

Freddie Kimmel (07:24.093)
But the fact that people that I've worked with and communed with and shared my 42 years on the planet, there's a fact that there's a portion of that population that can leave the house to the grocery store, possibly forget their wallet on the table, be pulled over by a police officer and be killed for not having the proper identification because of the color of their skin. That's a reality I will never know.

I can pretend to understand. I can listen, I can watch, can learn.

but this is the America that we live in. This is the world we live in. I'm racist. I am involved and benefit from and profit from a system that has systemic racism interwoven to the roots. And we have to do better. I will do better.

So again, I don't have any answers. So we've established on this show, I'm racist. I'm scared to die.

I feel paralyzed with fear that we are somehow stuck in this loop that feels like it doesn't feel like reality. Time before COVID, before this pause, God, it just, it shakes my core. You know, sometimes I just literally put my hands on my body. I'm like, okay, you're still Freddie, you're still a human, you're still here.

Freddie Kimmel (09:07.825)
Table, chair, desk, it literally, I take it down to that level just so I can try to operate and wrap my head around what has unfolded here in the short amount of time. So what I wanna close with, because I don't have the answers. I do know as human beings, we need to move to a place of radical acceptance, radical love. That's how we get through this.

through the lens of love, all actions, all words, and with loving someone, truly loving someone, is active listening. So that's what I'm doing right now. I'm listening, I'm learning, I'm taking stock. That's what I've got right now. The other thing that I'm aware of, increasingly, listen, since 2016, remember, I remember

I remember getting out of a show, walking into a bar in Midtown, and I didn't go in there to get a drink. I walked in because I was a swing. I was a swing in a show. I wasn't on that night. I walked in with my friend Joel Newsome to watch the election. And in a state of shock, we watched, of course, in New York City in Midtown, total silence.

And we saw Donald Trump pulling ahead to win the presidential race. And I felt sick that night. I did. I felt sick. Because I think we all knew. We knew if a human being can speak this way and stand on this platform on the national stage and represent us as a country, who else will be empowered to speak, act, and stand in such a way?

This isn't about Democrat, Republican. I really could care less about the two party system. I'm not there. I bring this up because right now we're suffering in my humble opinion, please, with all humility. I know what I don't know. I think we're struggling with a severe lack of leadership. And I hope everybody feels that right now. I hope we all get out to vote. I really do.

Freddie Kimmel (11:36.669)
for our own mental health. I hope we all get out to vote and vote. Here's what I would say, vote with your heart. Is your dream candidate up there? I don't know. Vote with your heart for the best possible outcome of humanity.

Freddie Kimmel (11:58.501)
And as a human race, we have to do better. We have to do better. You know, remember I said, I'm touching things to ensure that I'm real. If anybody's worried that after this podcast that I've completely lost it, go ahead and call me. I think I'm managing. do. But I put my hands on things just to make sure, you know, that we're here and we're real. But I had a friend that shared a beautiful story about someone her life passing.

And as my struggle with existence and death and this fear just comes up to me and it's, believe me, it is petrifying. She offered the story of when she had spoke to someone who said, you know, when that person left, they ceased to be that person. They were here for you. They were playing a role so you could become the most full expression of your beautiful self. And His spirits, His spirits having a human experience,

I can only imagine what we're going through right now on planet earth is to make a gigantic shift into a higher level of consciousness where on planet earth we can experience more joy, more pleasure for all walks of life, for all colors of skin, for all sexual orientations, everybody. And that transition from where we were is going to be real painful again.

This is just what I've come up with. I wish I were a smarter human being. I wish I had more answers, but this is a podcast. And for me, it's a learning experience. This is episode 68. And I'm just adding on the lessons I hear from all these powerful speakers and wonderful thought leaders. I think this experience, this transition of consciousness will be very painful. There'll be more loss. There'll be more suffering.

And it's very similar to the birthing experience. You have to imagine that little baby in the womb, so happy and warm, surrounded with amniotic fluid and the voice of its mother vibrating in resonance, giving it peace. And then the process of leaving that homeostasis environment and being pushed very painfully through the vaginal canal with screams and blood and horror, only to meet

Freddie Kimmel (14:31.139)
your creator on the other side. I pulled that story right from Zach Bush, but it's beautiful. And that is our cycle. So in closing, I thank you for being here. I thank you for listening. I thank you for being a part of this audience. I thank you for tolerating my white privilege and my racism, but I am.

I'm making a commitment and I'll learn. I will make mistakes. I will say the wrong thing. Believe me, it's a level of understanding that broke through. So I'm committed. I'm here. If you know me, you know me. I'm gonna continue to do the best that I possibly can and out of a desire to be the best human I can be, show up for others that I truly love.

Truly, truly, truly love you. So that's it for today. I hope you enjoy this episode and I give grace and peace and honoring for your time and our time together. I love you. Namaste.