From Apology to Empowerment: Transforming 'I'm Sorry' into Strength

WELCOME TO EPISODE 207

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT 

Freddie Kimmel (00:00.938)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the beautifully broken podcast. I'm so honored to be with you here this morning. I want to talk about why I've stopped for the most part saying I'm sorry. So in my experience, everything is a miracle or nothing is. This perspective has reshaped how I navigate my interactions and relationships, especially concerning the word sorry. The phrase I'm sorry is often used as a reflex. It's

Habitual utterance that it almost springs forth in moments of discomfort inconvenience or perceived wrongdoing perceived is the keyword there If you can spot check this in your own daily life and keep a running tally of how many times you use the word I'm sorry in a 24 -hour period you'd be shocked I'm always amazed when I ask friends to consider their usage in a tops 30 40 50 times a day remember the brain is running

a majority of its processing power on the subconscious and the program or the default mode is very powerful. And while it's essential to acknowledge when we've genuinely hurt someone overusing, I'm sorry, can dilute its meaning, its impact. More importantly, it can inadvertently reinforce the idea that suffering and pain are to be avoided at all costs or that you're small or insignificant or undeserving of the space.

stop apologizing for being you. That's my ask. My female high -performance coaches often reflect on how frequently women overuse the phrase as opposed to their male counterparts. I'm sorry for simply existing in space, sitting down at a table, choosing the wrong chair, making a noise with a coffee cup or speaking out of turn. It's really interesting to examine this and just witness.

I've always looked at suffering as medicine for growth. So in my journey, I've come to view suffering not as a punishment, but as a potent catalyst for growth. doesn't mean that I like it or I love it, but it's how I view the energy behind the action. Each challenge, each moment of pain holds within it the potential seeds for transformation.

Freddie Kimmel (02:20.034)
These excessive sorrys might unintentionally communicate that these experiences are solely negative, sometimes to be shunned rather than embraced. For instance, I will often say cancer is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Without it, the riches, the gold -like opportunities to empower and educate, to better know my body, they would not be here. This thirst for understanding of the human

because I needed to, because I had to, they would never have been called in. So as harsh as that context sounds, I don't want your sorries for my pain. I love my chemo. I love my retro peritoneal lymph node dissection. I love my five surgeries and the time spent in deep fatigue. So it's this context and coloring that allows for a depth of gratitude for today's coffee, this one right here, that you're never gonna know.

Each bowel movement is, I'm serious. Each bowel movement is a gentle walk, meandering in heaven. It's incredible. Every sunset gives me the appreciation of peeking on Mount Everest. So for me, and I want to repeat for me, believing that everything is a miracle means recognizing that every experience, both joyful and painful and heartbreaking, have deep intrinsic value.

When we say, I'm sorry too often, we may be subtly suggesting that difficult moments are devoid of this miraculous quality. And instead I've learned to honor these experiences, understanding they are essential parts of the human journey. And I don't want to wish away parts of the journey. It's way too short already. So let's talk about how this can happen and actually rob others of their growth.

When we apologize excessively, it's possible to rob other people of their opportunity to confront and grow from their suffering. Does that make sense? It's possible. I'm sorry is this subtle cue that allows your friend to submit to the victim position. You know, I'm sorry, that's right. I'm sorry this is happening to me. It is an unfair world. I am getting shit

Freddie Kimmel (04:44.246)
I want to give you some examples just to feel into this to make my point. Am I sorry your relationship failed? Or am I proud you broke the chains in your third partnership with abusive tendencies and now don't live with a narcissist?

Am I sorry about the partial Achilles tendon sprain? Or am I hopeful you see marathon running on five hours of sleep, pushing through fatigue on four cups of coffee? Maybe that allows you to rethink the longevity aspects of your fitness concepts. And finally, am I sorry you lost your job you Or, or I am hopeful. Am I hopeful?

that you will find employment that truly fills your soul and partner with a company that understands the value you bring to the workplace. I know it is a delicate balance between empathy and empowerment. And all I'm saying is by not immediately defaulting to I'm sorry, we allow others the space, that space between stimulus and response, that space to experience their pain fully

to process it and ultimately transform through the pain with the integration into their new worldview. So instead of saying, I'm sorry, I now strive to express understanding and support and encouragement and empower that human being. Phrases like, understand this is difficult. I am here for you. I join with you in this painful moment. I want you to know that I love

Freddie Kimmel (06:31.352)
So let's do some real talk. Interestingly enough, I had recorded this podcast a few days ago and over the weekend, I had some really bad news. A really good friend lost her husband quite suddenly. And I simply reached

in a message on her social media and I said, I can see what you're going through is devastating.

I want you to know I love you and I am here in whatever capacity to help you process your pain.

I love you. And that's all I said.

Freddie Kimmel (07:27.018)
I am not sorry for her being a human being and experiencing the things that we will all experience. the highs and the low and the grief and the pain. Death is something we will all deal with, although it's not talked about or embraced in our society as part of life. I had another friend who had went in for his follow -up scan after a late stage cancer diagnosis

It was not the scan he wanted to receive.

And I simply called and said, brother, I love you so much. I understand this is not the news you wanted. And if it were me, I can only imagine the grief and sadness and anger I would be feeling today. But I want you to know you have my fullest, you have my fullest attention.

All resources that I have are yours. Let me know what I can do. And I stand with you in this pain. I join with you in this human experience.

Freddie Kimmel (08:41.046)
And that felt right to me. I think we're so lucky to witness the growth in others. even though these are these devastating, painful moments.

This feels like the right way for me to handle it. The phrases above, they convey empathy without undermining the value of the medicine of the experience. And that for me rings true. It's the subtle shift in language that not only respects the person's journey, but also reinforces the idea that every moment, every challenge is a step towards greater growth, understanding, and a miracle.

This is not dissimilar from a homeostatic stressor within the body. I've got some 12 -pound weights over there that will never grow my biceps. It's when I push the weight beyond my capacity to generate six to seven full curls in which week after week stimulates a response in which my nervous system chooses to build bigger, stronger muscles to achieve the work necessary.

to do whatever, to lift a car off a human being in a crisis situation, to pull myself on a rope out of a burning building or to carry the groceries home. I'm training through the process of entrainment. I'm training for life. And so I think this is a really important topic to examine and explore for

You know, I think it's smart to be emotionally fit. How we interrelate to the outside world without submitting to the victim position, I think makes us really strong leaders. And if I look around, if I look around and I really do an honest gut check, I think what we need right now is strong leaders. So in a world where everything is a miracle or nothing is, I've chosen to see the miraculous in every experience.

Freddie Kimmel (10:49.068)
By reframing how I say and when I say I'm sorry, I honor the profound growth that comes from suffering and allowing others to do the same in that space. This change has deepened my connections. It's fostered a greater sense of resilience and appreciation for the intricate tapestries of life. It's so dynamic. I always say life is the ultimate simulation. It just keeps coming.

And you can go as deep and far and wide as you want if you're willing to open your heart and be vulnerable. And for me, that has opened the reality to a better quality of life on the planet. I hope you will explore this and examine it and see the concept and see if it benefits you in a similar fashion. I love you so much. This is the Beautifully Broken Podcast. Big love.