Hair loss and Heartbreak in 1996
Sep 13, 2021
WELCOME TO EPISODE 106
Here comes another chapter from Freddie's book! Working title: Healthy Sickboy! This time jump is extremely personal, challenging, and challenging to put down on the digital format, but I think it is probably one of the most important episodes I've done. It highlights the shame and self-loathing I carried in the container for years, and years until I got really sick. Hope this finds you well. Women....share it with the men in your life and remember Bald is Beautiful. AND more importantly...as the physical body fades, the soul ripens.
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Freddie Kimmel (00:03.32)
Welcome to the Beautifully Broken Podcast. I'm your host, Freddie Kimmel, and on the show we explore the survivor's journey, practitioners making a difference, and the therapeutic treatments and transformational technology that allow the body to heal itself. Witness the inspiration we gain by navigating the human experience with grace, humility, and a healthy dose of mistakes. Because part of being human is being beautifully broken.
Freddie Kimmel (00:36.641)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the beautifully broken podcast. I'm reaching you from my kitchen. If it's a little echoey, I haven't quite nailed down the sound attenuation in the room, but we're going to work on that. We're going to roll with it. I hope my voice sounds good and clear today. I'm going to revisit a chapter from the book I'm creating. And the topic is essentially hair and hair loss, but also
how men identify with her and the unique individual relationship that I had with this experience from a very young age. So this chapter, I hope you enjoy it. I promise we'll get to some health and wellness, but through a story setting and a unique narrative that I bring to the table, I hope you find some value here. So this chapter is called 1996. Mom and dad are faced forward, focused on the road. There's very little interaction.
aside from this trickling small talk and the occasional bickering. My dad rolls his eyes as my mom comments on the seasonal color change in the leaves. They sure are early to change this year compared to last year, she says. I think it's because we didn't have a lot of rain. Don't you think it's because we didn't have a lot of rain? This is consistent with most joint parenting rides in the car. I reach for a large bag of dried apricots from the
snacks for the dorm room, box that has been prepped by my mom, and begin eating to move anxiety away from my jaw. We're making our way down Interstate 90 to the State University of New York at Fredonia. The Family Dodge conversion van is filled with one suitcase, a few poorly packed boxes, and their eldest son, me. It's on this fall weekend I begin my freshman year, ready to embark on the biggest adventure of my life.
I was excited to be going away to college and I was ecstatic to be leaving home. I didn't hate my family. There was nothing terrible I was trying to escape from. I was just ready to leave the nest. I felt as if my ability to assimilate more parenting was at a maximum capacity. Imagine the flaky, tired goldfish in a small little bowl. He's exhausted the entirety of his limited resources. He knows the blue, gold, and red colored rocks by number and shape.
Freddie Kimmel (03:01.624)
He's memorized the treasure chest and its faded gold contents, the fake plastic tree familiar by every bend in every branch. It is physically impossible to grow without a change in the geometric confines at hand. And this is where I really find myself. I needed to roam, to dream, to wake, to sleep, and embrace life on my own terms. And...
possibilities ahead of me for the year are endless. What could happen? What couldn't happen? Who would I meet? Who would I fall in love with? What adventures were going to unfold in these uncharted waters? How would I choose to spend my time? I could possibly book the leading role in a school musical and be discovered by a Broadway talent agent.
Now this is an actual thought of a kid attending an undergraduate program two hours south of Buffalo. Maybe I just grow my hair. Maybe I'd continued to grow my very long, very beautiful hair. Maybe I could be a model. Maybe I would just work this blonde California surfer boy hair and just take up space. I was going to make wonderful new friends and gain access to all college level social functions and master the art of drinking.
This is really what the idea of college offered me. There were no minutes spent on what class I was going to take. There was no thought devoted to which course material would justify the thousands of dollars borrowed in student loans. I was just there to find me and be me. Be me without my parents. After 2.5 hours, we finally arrived on campus and found Grissom Hall. The sprawling green lawn surrounded the dormitory quad had become filled like a virtual parking lot.
It resembled a concert ground, and the grass was covered with family-toting cars, station wagons, and minivans. There were families everywhere, just like mine, all parents standing in close proximity of their offspring who will soon be cautiously released into the wild. Looking up at my building, the large suite windows are thrust open on all floors. The American flag and other concert banners flow freely in the wind, stapled to the wall.
Freddie Kimmel (05:23.862)
Large speakers are balanced against the glass as Dave Matthews two-step echoes through the commons on repeat. Guitar chords clash in their synchronizing rhythm. I jump out of the van, I grab the roof with one hand, and I let out a scream. Yeah! Fred, calm down. My dad leans in to quickly blunt the inspired response. Just wait. I take a few steps out onto the lawn and scan the campus. A warm sun.
burns across my face as I pull down my Oakley sunglasses. There's a massive pickup soccer game going on in a large open field across from the campus housing. Packs of teens hold court under the trees lining the walkway towards the student union. Cigarettes in open containers pass freely among friends as laughter fills the air. Kids without parental supervision, kids who have already served the mandatory hours of parental appreciation leveraged against
The drive me here from home guilt. This is the largest fishbowl. I grab my hair and push the long blonde highlights behind my ears. I slowly drop a few dried apricots, trying to apply the same sensuality of a cigarette. My rebel without a cause, working his dried fruit. A student with a shaved head brushes by me, lugging boxes into the residence hall.
Didn't this guy get the memo? This is the place for long hair, my friend. It's called college. It's 1996. It's where people express themselves. We let things fly here. We rise up against conformity. Take a note from this Vidal Sassoon protege. I'm thankful I've been growing my hair out since a buzz cut for varsity soccer, a full calendar year before. It perfectly aligns into my vision for my campus avatar. Whatever I was in high school, cowboy theater rodeo guy.
It's completely washed away. No one knew the social hierarchy at Holly High School or would they ever. Clean slate Kimmel. Number one, I didn't get caught peeing in the shower by Mr. Palermo during eighth grade gym class and subsequently forced to scrub the floor with a toothbrush as the entire girls gym class watched me scrub the floor. Didn't happen. Number two, my brother never walked in on me masturbating when I was 12.
Freddie Kimmel (07:43.886)
To which my response was to play dad. Nope. Number three. I didn't lose my girlfriend to an older, more attractive, handsome college dude. Negatory, good buddy. These things never happen. There's nothing to see here. There's just a guy with great hair. This guy has a Zack Morris, Christian Slater thing happening, and it's really working for him. The aforementioned events don't really fit this character. So I speak the word. Clean slate Kimmel.
Without too much effort or drama, my family and I unload things into Grissom Hall. It's a few bags of clothes, a bunch of sneakers, a few boxes of VHS tapes. These consist mostly of the essentials, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley standard classics. My grandmother Jane had gifted me a 13 inch Panasonic television with an attached VHS player for college.
This was the gem of my personal possessions and I assumed it was going to earn me some favor with my roommates who chose to accept me for my technological superiority. The snacks are nearly gone as I diminish and demolish the last few apricots. I pack away my things into a small room that will soon house two grown men and probably a hundred square foot box. And I couldn't love it more.
I unroll my Animal House poster and quickly identify if it will look better on the north or south facing walls. I stack my towers of CDs on the windowsill, purchased for pennies from BMG Music Library. I don't have a lot, but I'm proud of what I've acquired in my empire. I look around and everything's coming together. Suddenly I'm very sentimental about my parents' departure. It's a milestone moment.
that compels me to actually take a seat on the bed. I contemplate how far I've come in my short 18 years. As we decide where to eat dinner, those deep feelings soon present themselves as something far more profound. In fact, they become explosive diarrhea from the one pound bag of dried fruit I devoured. And that's how I spent my first night at SUNY Fredonia, attached to a toilet, pooping water. My first six weeks of college
Freddie Kimmel (10:03.286)
life unfolded for me in every way I could imagine. I landed one of the lead roles in the musical Working, written by Studs Terkel. The award-winning American classic weaves stories of the Working class told through a series of vignettes in musical format. These interview-style monologues delivered unfiltered and honest opinions about the blue-collar worker. It was a stunning production and opened my eyes to my truth that everybody has a story.
More importantly, like this beacon of light, theater drew me into its arms for a second time. I found love. I found love as I had yet to know its encompassing, consuming nature. I fell in love with a girl from Buffalo named Olivia Roberts, and she was wild. She opened and closed conversations with the word fucker. She yelled to grab attention of the room, and it was her turn to tell a story.
She had an eyebrow ring and a tattoo on the small of her back. She smoked Winston cigarettes and never left her home without a packed bowl of pot. She was stunning. This beautiful blonde found her way into my dorm quad. We locked eyes, spoke a few words, and that was pretty much all it took. Young lovers, Shakespearean and star-crossed. The laughs were loud, they were free, especially for a pair that fell very hard and quick for each other.
The sex was like a drug, a drug and I had this fishbowl of magnum condoms that struggled to remain full for even a few days. I wanted this heightened, dripping, wild, crazy love every minute I could steal away. She loved my body and she loved my humor. She appreciated that the things that I had to say and she smiled this very secret smile when it was just us. She loved the soccer player from upstate New York with a pension for theater.
And we danced. We danced till we were covered in sweat and drank the cheapest beer till the lights came up in the bar. When the last call was given, we ordered drinks from Sonny's to smuggle home in our jackets on a stumbling walk to campus. And we loved Dave Matthews. And he basically laid down the soundtrack for our time together. Gallivanting through the small college town, we drove through the streets in our Ford Tempo, windows open, allowing the breeze to cool us back down to reality.
Freddie Kimmel (12:31.406)
in the crisp temperatures of fall. It's October 1st and I make my way into... Hi friends, I hope you're loving this show. Let's take... So six weeks into school and there's a flow to the dormitory living. One of the consistent bio hacks in my home is red light therapy or photo biomodulation. you want to sound fancy at a dinner party, there's a rotation... red lights have been clinically shown to help with a... A music playlist is set with each guy allowed two to three songs until they're booted from the shower.
testosterone production, workout recovery, hair growth, and even help with fine lines and wrinkles on your skin. this schedule, everyone finds themselves ready to take reasonable amount of time for free game beers, shenanigans, out with whatever direction have in their home for it's incredible benefits. As I begin washing my hair that day, I drag my hands through my scalp and notice that the Light Path LED continues to innovate their designs.
and they include multiple wave panels and pulsing. With this initial research showing a greater depth of penetration and benefit to mitochondria, which if you're a fan of the podcast, you know this is the moving target when it comes to wellness, again filled with a mitochondria. So check out lightpathled.com and use code beautifullybroken or del lowercase for a 10 % discount in the checkout. The inventor and founder Scott Kennedy is a true gem of a human being
and stands behind every light turning the lease. This is a beautifully broken podcast. of strands, I'm seeing clumps of hair fall out in the shower. Now let's get back to my designated time at the sink, I start to lock myself in the bathroom stall and empty the brush of its evidence. I count the hairs to determine the frequency and gauge the progression of the issue. 50 hairs, 100 hairs, 300 hairs and climbing.
They're not broken, but they're coming out at the root, each consisting of a full strand and a little white bulb at the end. It makes my stomach sick. And there's something about losing my hair that makes me feel disgusting. The process of a shower is paralyzing, and I cannot get my thoughts past the trauma of losing my hair. Each visit to the bathroom represents this loss of vitality.
Freddie Kimmel (14:52.192)
I immediately swap out my shampoo and comb the local drugstores for something cleaner, something organic, something to stop hair loss. My once full mane feels flat and it feels limp. Now it's nothing anyone can see, but I'm very aware of the severity of the condition. I start my day with examining my pillow. I tally and count how many hairs I lost in the middle of the night.
I start skipping days in which I shampoo in an effort to conserve the losses. I start wearing a hat to help shelter the delicate strands that try to blow away in the wind. I finally reach out to my mom, the only person that I tell my dark little secret to, the daughter of a hairdresser, and I pray she has some answers. I demanded that she help me with this temporary downslide, and I accused her of sending me to college with conditioner that made my hair fall out.
I don't know, Freddy, she says, but I think it's completely normal to lose some hair every day. You should probably see. No, no, that's not what's going on. This is terrible. I plead. I'm vicious on the phone with my mom and I'm very quick to chastise her for her slow response. It just feels like a dead end. My mom does everything she can to calm my nerves, including sending me a bottle of fancy scalp treatment for my hair loss.
There was a care package and a sentimental card professing how much she loves me. She even dyes my hair on a weekend home from school after I insist maybe bleach will kill the evil that's in the scalp roots. It does nothing. And I drive the bulk of my anger towards her. Eventually I start to pull away from Olivia. I decline meetups. I shy away from intimacy.
One of our last post-bar rendezvous ended as she drove her fingernails into my scalp with both hands. I remember gasping. I can feel the multitudes of strains leaving my head. My body fills with shame and disgust at the damage. And I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I justify wearing my hat as we sleep together in my small dorm bedroom. My fear is that she will see what's happening and she'll leave.
Freddie Kimmel (17:10.882)
She's always made it this point to say how much she loved my hair, if she only knew how I was feeling. And there's no way I can entertain the idea of saying anything. I imagine the scenario often and would never have blamed her for moving on. The thing is going to the bar and drinking had lost its appeal. Dancing into a sweat seemed to only put my situation in risk. And I know how thin my hair looked wet.
smoking pot or going to a house party was no longer fun. All I see are people laughing and smiling and having this great time and not dealing with the pain of balding at 18. Who does this? What 18 year old guy loses their hair? I'm just getting started. I'm a child. I can't even legally drink and I'm balding? As I walk around campus, I compare myself to every other freshman I see. I'm certain that 98 % of them have full,
glorious hair and looking at people's hairlines start to become this obsession. I go right to the hairline. I look for thickness. I look for color. I look for density. Maybe if I stare at it hard enough, it will encourage mine to grow and admiration. And what about my career? What Broadway show am I going to be in? Who's going to hire me as an actor? You can't be an ingenue and have really bad hair. I'm 16 going on 50.
You can be a character man, but not a leading man. I feel like life is over before it started. I've never wished for anything so hard and frequent in my life, not even to this day. I prayed for my hair. I prayed for it to stop falling out. I prayed for it to grow. I prayed for it before bed and during class. I would sit in this corner in secret in the library.
I would remove my hat and I would slowly pull through strand after strand until I had worked myself into tears. As the weeks went by, I could see the front lines retreating. My forehead was growing bigger. My childhood hairline slowly started vanishing from the corners of each side of my head, leaving this V pattern of baldness. I wrinkled my forehead constantly, which would diminish the real estate, my eyebrows, and the sad hairline had revealed.
Freddie Kimmel (19:33.132)
This gave me a deep permanent wrinkle, which I still own today. During Christmas break, I cut my hair very short and it did a great job at hiding the good amount of hair I had lost. The next semester, I barely dragged my feet through school. I seldom left my little two-person dorm and its tiny single bed. The campus and friends I had grown to love existed in another time. The wild music, the laughter,
and discovery were ghosts made quiet by the cold winter blowing off Lake Erie. Depression was here to stay. And I really chose to turn the volume down on life. With the completion of my first year, I had no idea what I was going to do. Summer break was, at the very least, escape from the place I had felt so much pain. My action? I never went back. I quit.
It was easier to enroll at SUNY Brockport three miles from my house instead of suffering in Buffalo alone with a ghost of my freshman year. I locked my door on 5279 Upper Holly Road for a full summer and hid in my bedroom. Meals, movies, private examination and my hair challenge took up my days and hours of leisure. It was during a warm day in June when I had overtaken the family couch with my favorite blanket. Asleep, I heard a gentle nudge on my shoulder.
Freddy, you gotta get up and move to your bed. Your mom's gonna be taking the couch. This is how I remember my parents would be experimenting with a trial separation. And I was pretty numb. At this point, the level of self pity and loathing I was feeling left little room to unpack the idea of a split home. I got up, I dragged my things up into the bedroom and shut my door, falling into a weekend without sunlight or much food. I lived there.
I existed in this place, this time to feel darkness and sit in its oppressive shadow. It's hard to revisit or even examine these details. Most moments are washed away with a memory unrepeat, picking up strands of falling hair. How did I move through this? Time. Time was my savior. And through time, and with time, the severity of my complex diminished or lessened.
Freddie Kimmel (21:53.376)
A new school and new friends at SUNY Brockport brought a new world into reality. I could function. I accepted to a degree I was who I was. Some people never get over Vietnam or the death of a parent. I never really got over losing my hair. For years until I went through chemotherapy, I put all activities through the filter of how will this affect my hair? And that's nearly 10 years of weighted decision.
decision-making loaded onto that cracked little heart. Where to walk? Where was less windy? What hat to wear to protect myself from the velocity of the breeze? How would I approach amusement park rides? What happens if I'm in a pool? Where to get my haircut? my goodness, the therapeutic barbers wielding scissors who knew my secret and held me together throughout the years. How do you exactly get your haircut to maximize coverage?
doctor's visits for prescription Rogaine, Propecia, Minoxidil. I looked into experimental science of laser combs using red light therapy to combat my thinly covered scalp. They were incredibly vulnerable consults with the Hair Club for Men in which they affirmed they could fix my problem. They offered to hide the shame and sense of loss I was feeling and they agreed it was ugly with temporarily carpeting that would be glued to my head. I passed on these fixes long term because
It wasn't a fix. The fix was in my brain. It was in my heart. And it ran deeper than any hair follicle could go. Hair loss was Freddie Kimmel at his absolute weakest. I'm embarrassed to revisit this version and this inability to cope with a simple, common, realistic aspect of aging. Many men go through hair loss. It shudders in comparison to the journey ahead. When I began treatment for cancer,
I continued some of the drug regimen to keep the hair I had found or fought so hard to preserve. As the dosing of chemotherapy increased, I knew what the future held. And during a shift at the Kimmel Company while working through a set of HVAC schematics, I ran my hand across my hair and watched this huge chunk of hair fall out onto the table. I stood up, I grabbed my hat, I walked out and I drove home.
Freddie Kimmel (24:17.149)
Tears streaming down my face the whole way, I shaved my head bald with a razor. Hate, fear, anxiety, anguish, and suffering drained through my body and washed down the sink with my hair. Goodbye and good riddance. Never again, and I'm letting it go. Is figuratively and metaphorically how I dealt with the remaining pain known as hair loss. The end.
time. 26 minutes and 33 seconds. So that is the chapter on hair loss and it transitions well into the process of going through chemotherapy. I want to close with some things. If I had the knowledge and the wherewithal, would I do some intervention to maintain my hair? No. If I could biohack my hair back, would I? Listen.
If there was a Chia Pet spread that I could spread on my dome and grow Brad Pitt like hair, I would do it tomorrow. I think I would still probably shave my head, but just the idea that I could grow and could change the style of my look, it was always fun to me. I enjoyed it. It was like painting. And for that reason, I really loved having hair. But reading this chapter multiple times to try to get through it without stumbling over the words or getting
too attached or too emotional or judging the work, I can see how attached I was to that identity and how it defined me, my vitality, my sexuality, my self-worth. And so I can watch the process of me moving through losing my hair and going through cancer and surgeries. And each time any of those things, Lyme disease mold, it was like there was a layer of ego being stripped away.
The ego is always going to be there, but mine has been changed and diminished and diminished and diminished. I believe on the other side now allowing me a lot of joy. I understand the temporary nature of all things physical. I really do. I really do. I understand how hard we are on the ones closest to us. The people that truly love us and know our dark secrets and our pain. I can see those patterns and it's a great
Freddie Kimmel (26:39.837)
It's a great teachable moment. Man, it is an incredible experience to write down your story and write down these dark, painful times as I continue to do and learn from them and I think grow from them. I would encourage everybody to do the same. I want to mention just for people out there struggling with this challenge of hair loss. And one thing that I would offer is share this with your partner. If you're hiding the fact that you're
angry and scared and lonely and don't feel attractive because you're losing your hair Tell your partner I wish I would have told Olivia and if she would have you know left and I don't think she would have she was a super nice human being but share it why would why I'm like why did I keep that a secret who was I saving? Rhetorical question the next thing I'd say is that I? Stumbled on some things that really did work. I got to be honest the laser comb
it, the red light therapy combing through my hair, albeit as archaic as it was at the time. This was like 2005, 2006. It really did help. It really did between taking Propecia and the laser comb, it almost stopped my hair loss and sort of maintained what I had. Did it make it come back to the way my hair was at 18? No. But I think most people would tell you at the time,
I didn't have a problem with hair. Freddie's hair looks normal. Sure, maybe receding a little bit, but look pretty normal. Looks normal in pictures. In fact, when I look at it now, I'm like, what were you thinking about? Why were you bathing every cell in your body in shame and cortisol and probably contributing to you getting chronic illness or cancer? Thoughts become things. And through epigenetics,
the emotional state, the environmental state decides what cells are going to turn into. I had a hand in my path of illness, a big one. So back to laser comb and red light therapy, it really did help. And I think now we've come so far in treatment times and wavelengths and spectrums, you could probably do even better with a red light device to maintain your hair growth. The other thing that I've seen great testimonials around are
Freddie Kimmel (29:01.693)
A company called C360 has a hair serum, which uses carbon 60. And that is also reported among many of my friends to be wonderful and synergistic with the red light, with the hair serum. It's a two step treatment and supplementing the body with the proper nutrients necessary for hairy growth. think one of the ones or supplements that does a great job is Nutrafol.
So you can look those up if that's something you want to do, if you want to maintain your hair. Of course, there's more high level things like platelet therapy and stem cell injections into the scalp, which can help regenerate, rejuvenate and rego and even reverse some hair loss. know Ben Greenfield talks about his essentially PRP injections where they'll take the red blood cells, spin them in a centrifuge and give those rich platelets into the hairline.
to bolster the longevity of thick, robust hair. So there are options and there are things that I'm sure that will come down the road. But I think you and I maybe both pull away from this podcast. It's not about hair loss. Hair loss was an event that I chose to handle in a way that drove obsessive, compulsive behavior, depression, sadness.
a little mania at times, and it consumed my life. As I said, most decisions in my life went through the filter of how would it affect my hair? And I wasted a lot of time on that. What I would offer you is if there's something that feels consuming and dark, speak the word, share your story. I promise you're not the only one suffering that way. And
People look great bald. It's just hair. This is my longest solo episode ever. So I'm going to shut it down here. I love you guys. If you want support again, I would implore you to reach out and become a member of the buy me a coffee platform. Buymeacoffee.com forward slash freddysetgo. It's 20 bucks a month. We do lots of webinars. You get discounts, you get early access to the podcast and episodes like this are going to be locked and loaded and ready and
Freddie Kimmel (31:26.383)
out there early. I hope this finds you in good light and good health and in this unique time on planet earth, it's always unique. Act with love. Listen with love. Breathe with love. Load your life with love. Especially love towards yourself and compassion towards this unique divine human experience that we get to lean into. I love you so much. Namaste. Does anybody think that these health upgrades sound expensive?
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Freddie Kimmel (33:51.153)
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Freddie Kimmel (34:08.635)
My friends, you made it to the end of the podcast and here we are in season three. I think our relationship is developing into something really special. So there are two ways to support this show. The first is by joining my membership program at buymeacoffee.com forward slash freddysetgo.
Here you'll get early access to all the podcasts, bonus episodes, video clips, discounted coaching, and free webinars with thought leaders in the wellness and transformational technology industry. It's a chance to take your listening experience
and put it into action. The second way is to support the podcast through freddysecco.com and download the Beautifully Broken Buyers Guide. This is my new ebook, which is a collection of transformational technology, supplements and courses that have worked for me, my clients and my family. These are things that I found to be incredibly helpful in my healing journey, and I put them all in one book.
Most of them, most of them offer significant discounts just by clicking the link or using the discount code. And please know they don't cost you anything extra. And at the same time, they support the podcast through affiliations. My heart thanks you for tuning in. I'm so glad you're here with us. If you've enjoyed today's show, head over to Apple podcasts and leave a five-star review. And if you want to connect with me directly, I'm on Instagram at freddysetgo or
BuyMeACoffee.com forward slash freddysecco. Last message from my vast team of lawyers that I pay a lot of money for. The information on this podcast is for educational purposes only. By listening, you agree not to use the information found here as medical advice to treat any medical condition in yourself, your family members or others. Always consult your own physician for any medical issues that you may be having challenges with.
Freddie Kimmel (36:05.499)
That's it for today. Our closing, the world is changing. We need you at your very best. So take the steps today to always be upgrading. Remember, while life is pain, putting the fractured pieces back together is a beautiful process. I love ya. I'm your host, Freddie Kimmel. Namaste.

